Well, I’m four days into the switch and I am feeling OK. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest sometimes, but otherwise I’m fine. Mornings are actually very good. Good enough to trick me into thinking that I’m better than OK. But then my old pal the elephant comes back by around 2:30. He sits on my chest and we chill out. I wait for him to leave but he doesn’t.
Damn that elephant. A few nights ago I was standing at the back of my church during mass and I felt like all the oxygen had been breathed out of the air by the 300 other people in the room. Do you ever feel that way? So not only did I have an elephant on my chest, but I couldn’t breathe very well. I went outside to get some air but when I came back in I still felt breathless. So I sat on the floor. Then when I was able to breathe again, I started thinking about how I hadn’t listened to my doctor and taken it easy this weekend. How I’d actually jam-packed my day full of activities because my husband was out, the contractor has taken over my kitchen and I was alone with three kids. So I cried.
My first panic attack in ages. Right there, on the floor of St. Matthew’s. I’m sure I looked quite ridiculous sniffling away on the floor but a girls got to do what a girl’s got to do. And if anyone did see me they didn’t say anything, they probably knew they should have been paying attention to the priest instead of me.
My kids don’t like it when I cry. It freaks them out I think. So they started hugging me and petting my face and cuddling me, trying to make me feel better, you know. But the thing is, I hate that they had to see me that way, so then I felt guilty — and then I felt sorry for myself, so I cried a little harder. But no wailing or anything, I mean, I was in church after all.
Stupid anxiety. I remember having panic attacks in church before, I wonder why there? Maybe because I start to relax and let my guard down so all my worry comes flying at me at once.
Other than that brief incident and the occasional elephant-crushed chest, I really am doing well. The lorazepam is quite lovely, isn’t it? It takes the edge off so nicely! I can see why people get addicted to them. Sometimes altered reality is so much kinder and gentler than the other stuff.
Did you ever have a panic attack? Mine aren’t majorly bad, I know some people who feel like they’re dying when the get them. Do you get them in the same place over and over, or do they just hit wherever? My hot spots seem to be church and the on the GO train. Both places where I can sit quietly and worry myself into a tizzy.
I think it’s time for me to remember my FLORIDA!!