F@*k’n Fall

This year my Seasonal Affective Disorder came on fast and furious. One moment I was frolicking in the sunshine with my kids and the next thing I know I was looking out my kitchen window at the glorious fall foliage thinking Oh-My-Freaking-God, do I have to do this again? Do I have to sit through another dismal, grey Ontario winter — I mean even the birds are  flying south, why am I stuck here?

Beautiful view, I just wish it didn't mean winter is coming!

Beautiful view, I just wish it didn’t mean winter is coming!

*hits head against wall*

Why? Why does it surprise me EVERY YEAR that I get depressed as soon as the days get shorter? Why do my early morning panic attacks blind side me so? Why oh why can’t I just chill the fuck out?

I mean, does every morning really need to induce the same stupid line of thought? Have to get kids up, have to make lunch, don’t want to fight with kids, kids always hate me in the morning, oh my gosh — my kids hate me. I’m a horrible mother….

Stupid mornings.

I’ve been trying to yoga it out. I went twice this week already and am trying to find a sitter so I can go tonight too. But even the little burst of OM I usually get at PYC is a bit dimmer these days. I have a hard time getting out of my head and into the moment. I have a hard time letting it go. Whatever it is to me at that particular moment. Two days ago I cried in my car on the way home from class and the next day I just fumed through the whole thing. Not exactly OM, eh?

When I’m down the same thoughts surface over and over — how I’m not good enough. I’m not a good enough mom, person, friend. If I was I wouldn’t feel this way. If I was this seasonal shit would leave me alone.

Every year it’s a surprise. Like I haven’t done this 38 times before.

Can someone drop some vitamin D in my mailbox? If you need me, I’ll be hiding under my sun lamp!

 

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